Well, hello all, well just Merri lol it's seems I lost my audience. Second entry in almost 2 months, what can I say?

-I got my license ':shock:'
-I'm hardly ever home now
-I'm finished with high school in a couple weeks
-I'm getting my first ever job in a couple weeks
-I'm also attending my first family reunion (dad's side) in may (That'll be interesting considering my aunt is pissed that she bought tickets to florida for my graduation in may but my grad. is now in july lol)
-I'm buying a computer for my birthday/graduation presents from everyone (hint hint, i love money lol)
-i learned how to knit haha i'm making a scarf right now (how original)
-my back hurts by the way
-and i have $10

woot

Well, after an agonizing 3 weeks, AOL is now working and even better than before, who would've thunk it? Sigh, much happiness.

Well, I guess some things have happened in that "era" lol it was so boring ugh

-Brittany got her car and we drive around a lot now. My car is still getting fixed, the battery is in but the oil needs to be changed and we ordered the gear cable thing.

-I have two appointments for my license. One in April, the other in May at two different DMVs just in case.

Ugh, saw Ashley and Curtis at Walmart, that was awkward especially since Curtis yelled out - "Is that Tracy?" REALLY loud. *ignore* ^-^
Then he gets this urge to IM me online grr...He seemed pissed lol I told him I didnt have any answers to why I'm ignoring him. But what really pissed me off is how he added the whole Mean Girls thing, why does he care so much about a fucking movie? That was really rude anyway, like he was just using me to see that movie (which never happened because I ignored him).

Sigh

It's 2:15 and I have to get ready for night school....oh well the hottness is there so I don't mind lol

That was hilarious last night, Merri. Oh man. We had two conversations at once lol. I was talking about how the only guys I like are usually over 30 and she thought I was talking about being bi haha

Okay here is my hehe "Wish List" -

1. Either a girl (doesn't matter what age) or guy over 30 who's not immature
2. Open-minded
3. Likes the same things I like (traveling, art, BOWIE hehe, etc.)
4. Looks are a plus
5. Gotta have a good personality (makes me laugh a lot)
6. Has a car that works lol
7. They must have a job, but not so they can buy me things....I'm not really into that materialism stuff like flowers and chocolate, I hate that, be original thats all i ask
8. Hmm, respects my virginity god dammit lol (I'm not waiting until I'm married, I just have to LOVE the person, corny i know lol)
9. Being a Capricorn is also a plus

I guess that's it, anyone know anyone like that, please tell me lol

Well, I'm a little pissed.

Two days ago, I come home from night school and you know, I get some dinner because it's about 8:30 and then head to my room, the phone rings and my mom picks it up, because it's someone from New York. And as I close the door behind me I hear "What happened?" And I kinda knew it was serious but I'm not that nosy so I go into my room like everything is normal.

A few minus later, there's a knock on my door, my mom is crying and my little brother is standing next to her, shocked, but not sure how to react. And she tells me that my cousin Jason, 23 years old, has died. And I'm like wha---because normally when someone comes up to you with that - someone died look on their face, I immediately thought of my grandparents. Never has Jason even crossed my mind until she said his name.

I was never close to him. Yeah, he was my cousin, but we never actually hung out. I moved to Florida when I was 7 and back then, he was about 13 years old so he would hang out with my sister and all my older cousins. I would hang out with Ellen and Kimberly who are the same age as me.

So, I'm standing there, my jaw is literally on the floor. I ask how it happened and she says that they're not sure but it might have been an annerism (?) or a heart attack. I'm like a heart attack! He's 23! I ask if he did sports or something, she said no. And I get all quiet and then ask if he did drugs and she says no again. So, yeah, my mom went to New York today for the funeral. I'm pissed. I'm beyond pissed. Even though we don't have the money for both of us to go, and I know I'm being selfish, but I think I deserve to see my cousin's funeral.

I understood when my mom only went to Fran's funeral, because they were cousins, but Jason is my cousin. Yeah, my mom is also his aunt but still...

So, I went back to my room and started crying. And I wasn't even sure why. I had never been close to him, we were six years apart. But I called Merri, she didn't answer. So I called Brittany and I couldn't even speak, she was asking me if I was crying and I just started becoming hysterical. And now I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this...

Okay, side note - I didnt meet those guys. Merri talked me out fo it lol thank you Merri

Okay, last night after watching the movie Wicker Park, I had a nightmare. Well, it was a nightmare for me at least. I still get the chills when I think about it considering it was really weird in details.

So, I get a knock at my front door and my brother tells me it's for me right? Okay, so I go and somehow I end up meeting some guy who's like 50, he's got that old blonde hair look and for some odd reason, he's wearing really short shorts lol. So, somehow I end up in the driveway, there's a freakin white van parked there(my car is no where to be seen, but that really has no importance to the dream).

Then, somehow I'm standing on the sidewalk, the front lawn which is about 15-20 feet is between me and the front door and this guy is trying to put me in his car. And as sick as this sounds and I still cringe at the thought of this, but he got so "excited" I guess because he's never had such a thrill of kidnapping that he pissed! He pissed his shorts! And some of it got on my leg! Ugh I felt like throwing up lol, but so I'm screaming for my youngest brother and he finally comes and he does something, I dont know, but I finally get out of this guy's grip.

So, I'm running into the house then I run into my room, I probably locked the door, maybe not, but he's coming after me and he gets into my room and I'm trying to open one of my windows (I have three, the one above my bed) so I remember pulling the cord for the blinds to go up and trying to unlock the door but it's getting stuck (it's such a cliche horror movie kind of thing lol) and finally I get it and throw open the window when he grabs me again. I get out of his reach and practically fly out of the window. It's on the first floor so there's only like 2-3 feet form the ground and since the hurricanes got rid of the wooden fence we had in the backyard, I ran to the house behind me and starting knocking on the door, but no one answered so I stood as still as I could but he came around to me and I woke up...

Now, I knew this guy. I've seen him beofre in reality so as I'm laying there in bed, I'm trying to think who the hell this guy is and what's funny is I literally gasped when I figured out who it was lol. When the hurricanes came and went, some guy called from our insurance company or something and I remember talkign to him on the phone, telling him where we were. He was stuttering ALL the time, I felt really bad. But when he finally came to the house to look at our roof and whatnot, he seemed completely normal all except for the short shorts lol. He had huge arms I remember but he was around 50 and you could tell he dyed his hair blonde.

I dont knwo why he was in my dream.  Nothing in the past however months since I've seen him made me think of him last night, but I was watching Wicker Park which is all about stalking so...that wasd interesting. I thought I'd tell you guys lol

I just gave some guy my phone number.

We've been talking online for about five months now. Nothing you know sexual or relationship wise, we only talk about ghost hunting. Hah, yes I said ghost hunting.

There's this website called meetup.com and you find a group in your area and you going to meetings and meet them and talk about a certain topic. Well I was looking for paranomal stuff and found that there was this West Palm Beach Ghost Hunting meetup so I signed up and this guy emailed me and we just started to talk about haunted places and whatnot.

And now, these three guys John, Robert, and Eric signed up in the WPB ghost meetup about a few weeks ago and went to the meetup that i RSVPed for but never went because it was Super Bowl Sunday (not that i like football) but my mom needed help with food and stuff

Well one of them, John emails me a few days ago and gives me his cell phone number, tells me to call him and let him know about haunted places. Well Ezra (the guy I gave my number too) is friends with John and they talk about me and how my friend Amber has a haunted house (she actually does).

 ---- Is this making sense so far? lol ----

Alright so now we're trying to meet up outside of meetup.com. You know, our own private meetup, uh yeah I'm definitely gonna have to bring Brittany or someone because I am not going to meet four random guys I have never met before. Ezra is cool (He's a Taurus like me lol so I know I can trust him) but...I mean Ezra said that John wanted MY number because I ahven't called him yet so Ezra is gonna talk to John and tell him that I'm really shy and wont call him until I meet him in person, but I still gave Ezra my number!

What is wrong with me? I told him not to give it to John because I dont knwo John so...yeah this Friday we all might meet each other...oh god, this is going against everything I believe in...my fears (stalkers, kidnappers, rapists, etc.) I am a hypercrite lol

Le sigh

Brittany and I might be going apartment hunting with her mom this weekend.

No words can describe my happiness...

Her mom said that Brittany could get her own apartment and help her find a way to get her one since she's only 17. She also said that I could live with her, because I'm a "good girl" and she trusts me with her daughter which me made me feel even better about myself actually...someone trusts me with their daughter...wow

So now it's up to her father and then up to my mom. I could always use the whole "But I want to protect her" speech or bring on the tears. She gives in to everything but for this...i don't know if she will...

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but it's hard not to

:evil:

Yay for stereotypes, I'm turning into an angry teen. Not hat I've never been one...

I've been getting sooooooooooooo pissed at every little thing and trust me this isn't PMS. I'm angry at Amber for hanging out with druggies and then doing drugs herself. I'm angry at Merri for hating herself. I'm angry at Brittany for wanting to go back with Alex. I'm angry at my mom for every little thing possible. I'm angry at my aunt who criticizes my ways even though I have no control over anything - for ex. she tells me to do things like get a job or tell my mom to fix my car, first, I can't get a job because my car isnt fixed and I cant fix it because I dont have a job and my mom cant fix it because it costs money and thats something she doesnt have at the moment. So my aunt is gonna help my mom which I guess is good but I highly doubt my mom will fix it anyway...

I'm just fucking angry. Freakin Cheese as my brother says...god, that was moronic

Okay, I'm back. From the dentist. Grr. I got home at around noon and now it's 3:30 and the numbness is finally going away. IT'S SO WEIRD! You feel all puffy! So, when I got out of the office, one of the assisstants stopped me and started talking and I thought I looked like a watermelon with half my face bloated but when I got home, it looked normal. Which just makes it feel even better... anyways

I don't see why everybody is so worked up about Valentine's Day. Honestly. Come on. For me, I would NOT want flowers or candies or chocolates or anything unoriginal, I would rather have my "lover" do something that isn't so obvious. Or something I've never seen before. Surprise me people! Don't just send roses. Ooh they're so pretty, but in a week they die...

I'm also really annoyed at myself now. I'm still trying to think whether or not I should go to college. Yeah, it's great and when you get out, you get a great job blah blah blah but that's boring. And I hate boring things. I'm infertile so I know that I wouldn't be able to be one of those girls who move in with a guy, get addicted to drugs, and have like six kids. So that's out...

And I don't get addicted to things period. I get bored easily. Lucky for me. So I know I won't do drugs and if I do, I won't like them after awhile. It always happens. I eat this amazing food that I discover and within months, somehow my tastebuds change and its the worst food in the world! Like ice. Remember Merri when I would eat ice ten times a day! Now I can only eat it maybe once a year if that.

So I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just go to college. But I know that it won't last. I hate school as it is. That's why I'm taking night school, to try and get through my last semester...

Sigh

Brittany is back from rehab. She changed so much, but in a very good way. She keeps telling herself that she's not going to do any more drugs and she tells me that all the time, but she found out she had asthma when she was in rehab and she's still contemplating whether or not to start up smoking again....

That kinda sickens me. But whatever. She still wants to get D back so I told her we could make it a road trip and head to New Jersey. She also has this theory that her friends Staci and Alex are with D! She's been trying to reach them since she's gotten out but she can't. And Staci and Alex were friends with D before she went to rehab and it's been five months. And a lot could happen in five months.

She's gonna try to get a hold on Staci's old job, see if she moved or not. I feel so bad for her. There's a fifty/fifty chance that the three of them did run away with each other and another fifty/fifty chance that Staci and D are together as a couple so...

But the good news, Brittany is going to meetings to get over her addictions, she's trying to find a job, and shes going back to school to get her GED. She even wants to go to college! Which is so amazing. She's just completely cool now lol. I asked her if she still wants to move out of Florida and she said she's on "watch" until she's 18. But she wants to wait until around May because of something. I don't know, she wouldn't say but I think she might be on um not parole, but the other word that starts with a 'p'...She got caught with drugs before rehab but luckily she didn't go to jail. That's actually the reason she went to rehab in the first place.

Well, time to go to the dentist ugh, but here's a little quote that I remembered from school last night and stuck with me ever since...

"You aren't born to die, you're born to live"

I hate being between two things. Thinking one thing one day and then feeling completely different the next.

Okay, Merri I know that you've basically got no emotional stamini right now because of the whole Josh deal but I feel we'll growing apart. Like both of us aren't the same anymore. Or maybe I jusy have the worse timing when it comes to phone calls. The last two times I called, you seemed out of it and didn't seem to care about what I was saying or anything. I don't know.

And then Amber, at first I was angry because she's changed a bti and is now hanging out with all these people who are just...insane I guess lol but then when I hung out with her yesterday with Marty and Eddie, I felt like I belonged...

And I'm scared that it's going to be like that everyday with Brittany. It's liek this - Becca is the drug addict (that's Brittany), Amber is the ione who tries to control the situtation (that's me), and the random strangers I meet when with Amber and Becca (that's Brittany's friends, the random strangers she meets).

I think I'm just gonna be a hermit. Don't have to deal with being uncomfortable. Don't have to deal with people basically. And I guess it would be good considering I can't see myself with either gender...

I'm moping, I better go.

But first, here's yesterday's events:
1. Woke up to grandparents and confusion of whether I have a dentist appt., I didn't, they got angry.

2. Got an IM from Amber, Marty, and Eddie they want to come over, they did and raided my room. I hate when people go throught my stuff lol

3. We left after about five mins at my house and as we were turning out of my neighborhood, in Becca's car (who was in the hospital for overdosing), Marty driving without a licence and insurance, yep a car crash. Luckily we crashed into some people that also didn't have insurance (or as Eddie put it a green card, I hate rascists), the people were hispanic, all they said was "No problemo". So we got off scott free lol

4. Then we go to school, in the afternoon where its crowded as hell, I haven't been there since before winter break and we go to Amber's Animal Rights club meeting where the people had a debate about whales versus wolves lol it was muy entertaining

5. Back to my house with only Amber, we head over to night school and stay til 8 when really I was supposed to stay til 9, and went over to the drama department because she had rehersal, got kicked out because I wasn't a "drama student" that guy has seriously got a stick up ass lol the teacher whatshisname

6. Was going to get a ride back hoem from Becca but I couldnt reach my mom and I'm kina glad because I heard she drives insane so yeah, that's my day...

Today was my second night at night school. Six hours sitting in a desk, reading and re-reading an English book with only two 5-minute breaks. But Amber was there which was cool, we kept sending these funny signals back and forth, mine mostly consisted of What's? and huhs? I seriously cannot read lips. I hope I don't go deaf...

But anyway, on a random note, I want to marry the wrester China Doll because she's so amazing lol I'm obsessed with The Surreal Life and she's just so outgoing and drunk all the time and hilarious that I want to become her or at least meet her...

Well, now that I'm becoming an "adult" I have to find a job. Yay for me.
Job in the morning, night school in the evening and sleep during the witching hour. Woot *sigh* I guess that means no more eating children for dinner because I won't have time...

See what happens to me when I get tired, I make these weird death threats to kindergardeners or something blah blah blah

goodbye

Well, had my interview with the people at night school today. I start tomorrow. Yikes. And they told me I have to basically work my ass off and go to school 24 hours a week or else I won't graduate in time. Yippee.

So I sent the letter to my aunt with my ipod serial number along with both my brother's numbers also because she was the one who bought us the ipods for christmas and bought a warranty or something, and I got a reply back haha

She said that we have to talk about my "dangerous" screen name lol
"MystrsBty18" - people tend to think it means Mistress Betty lol so maybe she thought that too but it really means Mysterious Beauty. I couldn't fit it all obviously so I abbreviated it, yay my aunt thinks I'm a whore hehe

I want to scream, I really do (but my mom is in the other room) b/c of all that's happening. And whats funny is that theres really nothing happening at all. I'm just annoyed. Annoyed at that rehab place Brittany's at b/c they're keeping her in their for so long (yes, I'm selfish and I know she should stay in there to get over her addictions, but I want my friend back! lol) I'm quite annoyed at the people I hang out with. Not because of themselves, but rather who they hang out with

I was getting picked up by Amber and her friend Sam and right when I get into the car, Amber's friend asks me if I smoke. And I say no and then she starts talking and talking about how she does smoke and stuff abotu her boyfriend and how if we get pulled over, just say you know nothing and blah blah blah. We were supposed to go to the movies and this kind of scared me a bit because when we got to the parking lot, she just took out her bong and started to smoke, I thought it was funny at first, but honestly I don't want to be in a car in a crowded parking lot where I could go to jail because some girl I don't know is smoking that

I just don't understand how Amber can hang out w/ the people she does(like Becca who's a coke addict). I really sound mean, but it scares me that she's around them 24/7 and one day she could go to jail and well, it's just not cool. I don't want to see Amber in jail lol obviously

But anyway, we get there and meet up with Jenny, her bf, and Lauren (all 3 of them, I hardly know but went to school with) and we find out that the movie has been playing for 30 mins so we're better off doing something else or going to another movie, we stand there for ten mins trying to come up with ideas, and someone suggests we go to taco bell and think there

Taco Bell - Sam, Amber's friend whispers into Amber's ear and then all I hear from Amber is, "Hey Tracy do you want a girlfriend?" I start laughing uncomfortably b/c its obvious whats going on and Sam looks all nervous and giggly and then says something like "is she straight?" or something like that and I'm like oh help me now b/c I knew Sam was bi but even if I wanted a g/f right then and there at Taco Bell lol I don't think I'd want Sam as one

So ten more mins of deciding - Option 1 - go to Bob's house(Sam's bf) and get high or Option 2 - go to Jenny's and watch movies. I took the safer route and wento to Jennys where I knew I wouldnt get hit on by Sam even though I hardly knew Jenny, Lauren or Jennys bf

Jennys Hosue - Watched an AMAZING movie, one fo those spoofs of the 50s movies called The Lost Skeleton of Cavavra or something and then slept over. I hated it there, I felt so uncomfortable, I didnt really know them and after matt left (jennys bf) I felt like the third wheel and every time i tried to get hold of my mom so I could go home, she never picked up, then I got dragegd to an srt fest which i would nomally love but i was REALLY home sick, not home sick but hated being there lol so afterwards I got dragged to laurens house where I watched the movie Dick another wonderful comedy and got home at about 9pm

More than 24 hours being uncomfortable - it sucked royally

Jennirae, you inspired me to write an entry lol

Now, I know that me being 17 and "innocent" and wanting to run away does look bad for me. Because people think that maybe I won't handle myself right wherever I go. It's just the way I write, it makes me look different.

So, I don't know how to explain this, but if something bad were to happen to me like say if some guy was following me, obviously I would run to the nearest place thats crowded and find some help. Or if I were kidnapped by some guy holding a gun to my head, I will always find a way out and if not I'll leave something for the police to find. I'm not conceited or anything, but I'm not stupid. I'm not just gonna sit there and be killed. I'll fight and when I get that adrenaline rush, anythign can happen. I could kill some guy with a pair of heels if I had to.

And I know I sound corny, but people just think(and I'm not talkign abotu you guys, it's everyone) that I can't handle myself. Yeah, I'm 5'3 I'm a girl, I'm turning 18 in about 3 months, it looks bad I know but if I was in a situation thats troubling I'd get myself out and my friend.

There have been times where I knew something bad was gonna happen and I would tell me friend, hey let's go. I remember Halloween abotu a year ago when it was only me and sam and this guy in his boxers holding a phone came rushing after us and he was yelling something like hey wait up and sam stopped and waited! I was like wtf lol this is some stranger! you dont knwo what theyre gonna do, so I was sayign something to her but she started walkign towards him! turns out, the guy felt guilty because when we knocked on his door for candy, he didnt answer so he ran out after we left and brought us like the whole bag lol

but still, i get paranoid a lot, and merri, you knwo i have that fear of stalkers and rapists and kidnappers and everything else. i'm not just gonna stand there and let them stalk me or rape me or kidnap me lol

So, that is all. I'm not angry at any of you for giving me advice. I understand where youre coming from, but don't worry. Honestly, it's Brittany we should be worrying about. She'd act just like Sam on Halloween to every guy that rushed after her.

Arggg sometimes I hate my mom. She told me a few days ago that "from now on, you won't be going to a children's dentist, you'll be going to whatshisname". Did she tell me when I had an appointment? Noooooo, so today at about 1:30 she calls form work to tell me to get ready for the dentist.

What dentist? Grrr, appointment at 3:30 I told you, Nooooo you didn't. Damn you menupause...

So I go there all nervous like because I HATE the dentist ever since I went to a normal one when I was ten or so, and they gave me needles, I would only go to a children's one from then on. Well, back to a normal dentist.

It wasn't that bad, but I came out with three cavaties. THREE! And I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled before I'm 18 or else I won't have insurance or whatever. This sucks. They better not use a freakin needle. I will take laughing gas over needles any day. *Shivers*

And now I have to go back in a week, ugh

So, I have an L J  again - tragedystarsher, couldn't fit tradegystartshere so Merri, I added your lj to my list - art_meltdown17

I also wrote something to Ashley. Gonna have to check what she says back. I asked her about all the stuff she "said". I kind of don't want to believe it because she was a good friend, but you never know. People think I'm this innocent little virgin girl that knows nothign about the world, but what do they know? lol

Alright I got another letter from Brittany. Omg. I never reailized how nice she is. I told her in my last letter that I changed a lot and she said that I don't need to because I'm great how I am already lol. And that the reason she couldn't write for the first four months that she was in there was because she wasn't allowed to and that you have to graduate from level to level and on the fourth level you're allowed to write and so she never got there and then had to go to a different rehab center and they let you write right when there and at the rehab centwer she's at now, level two allows visits from friends and phone and stuff, so she's gonna apply for level 2 or get her mom to mput me on her phone list.

Omg, I felt so happy she wrote again, I had so much to tell her still. I told her about me wanting to run away or move away whatever, how I'm really only friends with her, merri, and amber. How if she wants to get her boyfriend back that moved to New Jersey we can make it into a road trip and get him back for her (I honestly think that's a good idea since he was such a GREAT guy, the reason he slept with Stephanie I could understand b/c he was getting sick of Brittany's suicidal tendencies and shit and he didnt want her like that so he found Stephanie which didn't have those problems)

I told her how I no longer have long dark hair, it's now short and red. How I dropped out of school and am no longer doing the homeschool thing, I'm in night school now. Tons of shit. WHat I'm gonna do after high school, spring break with merri, merri's graduation, my graduation. Everything. And it seems that she's not coming back this week. She's liek I said before, applying for level 2 which will get her out sooner and so I asked if she knows the date. So I hope she writes back. I sent her my senior pics and her bi friends said I was hot lol oh and i wold her i was bi or lesbian, not sure so she's definitely gonna be reading that letetr over and over lol

thats all...

Okay so I go to Amber's house and we talk about strippers, I go home and see shows about showgirls....i have a belt that says las vegas on it (amber's from las vegas actually lol)

This is getting freaky. Everywhere I turn LAS VEGAS! Maybe I should move there? I DON'T KNOW!

But anyway lol, I'm really trying to learn German, but I hate the software I bought. It's just weird and it's not really for beginners and I'm a beginner so yeah. Now that I've learned a bunch of words today I have something to say -

Ich liebe dich! Haha Melissa said that to me last year and the only sentence I knew back them was Tja, ich muss jetz leider gehen or something like that whcih means - Well, I ahve to go now lol sorry inside joke

Oh and you know that guy Jason Weaver, Merri? The one that wanted to go to the beach with me and gave me his number but then I never called him and he got mad and never talked to me again?

Well, while I was at Amber's house for some reason I guess we were talking about him and then I went home that night and remembered that movie I watched like a couple of weeks ago about two girls and how they got revenge on some guy from high school by pretending to fall in love with him and then breaking his heart. I was like, how funny would that be to track him down and do that to him? Not that I need revenge on him or anything, it'd just be fun lol Yes, I know I'm a bitch. Do you remember what college he went to for future reference? muahahaha

But then, something popped into my head. Margaret went out with a guy her freshman year named Jason and he kind of looked like him...dun dun dun

So now I have to wait for her to call me back, because even though it's kind of not possible that he would be a senior when I would be a sophmore unless he failed a year...I don't know. I find that weird. So now I gotta ask my sister what Jason's last name is because if it's Weaver, then that's scary...

Wow, so I watched the movie "Showgirls" last night. Yeah, it's got bad acting and the main character gets EXTREMELY angry every five seconds but it's actually a really good movie (in my eyes). It's the kind of movie that makes you want to become an exotic dancer lol.

I kept having flashes of Natalie Portman as a stripper though lol ever since I saw Closer that image has been embedded into my brain. Don't get me wrong, she's got a great body, but it's like she's haunting me or maybe only when I watch Showgirls...yeah okay I'm probably freaking Merri out so I'll stop lol

And then afterwards I watched The Surreal Life. MORE STRIPPERS! What's up with all these half-naked girls on poles last night? lol Is it a sign? Oh god lol hah that would be awesome if i became a stripper. No one would expect it...

So, my sister calls me and tells me that she'll know more German by the summer than I will. Oh, I'm getting into the competitive mode hah. I'm buying software, a couple of books, and even a freakin textbook off of Amazon.com with the money my mom owes me tomorrow.

This shall be fun. I'm gonna beat my sister in this little "language race" muahahah

Okay, *takes in deep breath* don't think I'm coming off as a bitch, but I have to get this out.

I know that I shouldn't run or move out or do whatever. And I realize what all of you are saying and I am taking that into perspective, but the thing is that if there was a moment where Brittany or anybody else asked me if I wanted to run away, I would. Simple as that.

I know I shouldn't, but honestly that's not stopping me whatsoever. And I understand why you're upset Merri and you even told me that you cried, but I want to do this, whether I'm just going to protect Brittany or just wanting to get away from it all, I'm gonna do it eventually. I've planned this since I was 14 but there hasn't been any good days or weeks where I could actually do it. And now that I'm getting my license and my car fixed, I don't know. It's just all coming together for me. I could actually get out of this stupid boring hell if I wanted to in a couple of weeks.

Yeah, I wouldn't graduate, but I dont even know if I'm gonna wait or not. I might wait until the summer which would be a good idea, but I could also get into that spontaneous mood I have once in awhile and just do it. I don't have control over that either. It's like a split personality almost. I mean, one second I would be like Oh, I love my hair, it's so long and purdy and then the next second, snip snip there is goes.

That's actually why I cut my hair. So...I know you care and I know I sound like a bitch but no matter how many times people tell me it's not a good idea and no matter how many times they say "but I have a feeling you'll get hurt" or whatnot, I'm gonna do it eventually. And I'm actually quite scared that it's gonna happen in a couple of weeks. Not really scared for what's gonna happen to me, but because of how it'll turn out when I get into that "split personality" mood. You know, what everybody will think, what my family will think.

And I know I shouldn't worry about that, because I never once have gone through life thinking omg what do people think of me? I'm not like that, but I'm kinda scared of myself if that makes sense...

So, why did I say in the title "Alright, it's over"? Because I'm not gonna talk about running away anymore. Unless of course I am about to run away and would write my last journal entry or something. So that's it, no more talk about that issue. Onto better things...

Wow, this weekend was amazing. Merri, I love you even more. Haha. Found out through my subconciousness or however you spell that why I want to run away.

It's because I'm bored first off, and second, because I want to protect Brittany. She's a very trusting person but doesn't realize who the people she's getting involved with are.

Oh and I understand what you said Merri about the whole "if I protect her from the problems of the world, she'll never fall down and pick herself up because I'll always be there to do it for her." I know that she should find out for herself how to help herself, but maybe she already has. I haven't talked to her yet about rehab and if she's stopped doing what she's done before.

I hope she has, but I won't find out until she's out. Which might be this week.

And I know you're upset, I know you don't want me to run away or anything. If I stay until the summer I won't be running away though, I'll be moving out. Just like your sister said, which is true, but in a way it is still running away. Running away from my problems, that is. And I know that your sister is smart in syaing I should stay and mooch off my mom and whatever lol and I want to do that, but getting out of here is better than that in my mind. Which doesn't make sense, but to me it does.

And if Brittany still wants to run away, I'm not letting her go without me. I know what you mean and I understand about how I should let her fall down and pick herself up and realize that she shouldn't be doing drugs or anything, but it's possible that she's changed in rehab and even if she didn't it's possible that she'll listen to me and let me guide her and lecture her if I have to lol.

The things she gets herself into, I'm just surprised she's still alive and if you were like her, I would run with you because I wouldn't want to think about  what youre doing out there and if you're dead or not.

I can't just let her go. I can't let her die.

I actually look older...surprise!

Alright, so I cut my hair. And now I look older. Thankfully, but because I JUST recently cut it, it's thick and flipped on the bottom. Hopefully that'll change once I take a shower and straighten it.

It's resting on my shoulder, but I look older! I actually like it, but I'm gonna dye my hair. This color -

. I hope that pic comes in alright. It's Lola from "Run Lola Run". I love that color. My hair is longer and isn't layered like hers, but it's cool.

Today's Horoscope -

You are beginning to form new ideas about what you want to do this year, especially with respect to your career. Unfortunately, thinking it doesn't make it happen. You have clear vision now and should trust your thought process, even if your plans don't seem very plausible. Anything is possible if you can focus your attention on what most concerns you.

I knew that when I thought about running away, it'd be a good idea. Call it instincts, call it being psychic, whatever, but I knew. I just know things sometimes. People may think it's a bad idea, but maybe it isn't. I don't think it is. So this is just another thing to think about. I'm gonna trust my thought process...

You're true friends are your twins.

I really believe that your true friends are the ones that know you more than anybody on the planet, even more than your family knows you.

My best friends and I are like psychics with each other. It makes me think why I'm not frends with everybody else and only Merri, Amber, and Brittany. They're the only ones that I've ever felt psychic with before. The only true friends maybe?

Merri - There have been so many incidences when I would be reading a book and you would be watching that movie, or you would be listening to a cd and I would be looking up the lyrics online.

Amber - We would both eat the same weird food and talk about it the next day and find out we ate it at the exact same moment or we would be thinking the same thing at the same time and blurt it out only to laugh at each other.

Brittany - We always understood our problems, but recently, I've been having a dream about her every single night. Two at some weird school I've never been to, another at some club and we're dancing and then the mafia comes after us but that's not the point lol. And then the day after, I finally get a letetr from her in the mail from rehab. Four months and she finally writes lol.

I thought about all the other friends I've had in the past and out of all of them the only other "psychic one" would be Melissa but we don't talk anymore because we're completely different now. Everybody else though like Ashley or Curtis or Vince or Marty or Amanda never had we had a psychic experience. Ever. So maybe, you're best friends are the ones that finish your sentences...